Lip Gloss Lads
by Penbrydd
Summary: -CGH!crack- Anko has a terrible idea, and Shizune almost disapproves, but not quite. After all, if there are bikini-girl pens, why not bikini-shinobi chapstick -- or worse...?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **_Naruto is not my toy, although sometimes I wish it was. Everyone you meet here belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, I just borrow them, occasionally._

**Title:** Lip Gloss Lads (part 1)  
**Fandom:** Naruto  
**Characters:** Anko, Shizune  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings:** None, yet.  
**Notes:** For Nobiki-senpai. Because she asked.  


* * *

  
Shizune woke, confused, to the sound of tapping at the window. _Who in the hell..._ she wondered, pulling back the drape. _Oh, dear._

Anko was perched on a kunai, jutting from the wall beside the window, and she had a wicked gleam in her eye. Exactly the sort of thing Shizune did _not _want to see, first thing in the morning, any morning. With a sigh, Shizune pulled the window open.

"Anko, what are you doing, here?" Shizune wasn't sure she wanted to know, but it seemed like a good place to start.

"I found this pen -- it's Kakashi's -- and it gave me an idea." Anko pulled a pen from her coat pocket and passed it to Shizune. "When you tilt it, her bikini falls off."

Shizune looked up at Anko's wicked grin, and said the least provocative thing she could think of. "So, what, you think we should go to the beach?"

Anko hopped onto the windowsill. "No! I think we should do something nice for our fellow kunoichi. I think we should make these with our noble shinobi on them, in not-so-noble conditions."

"But, Kakashi's a _pervert_!" Shizune gargled, choking on her own mortification. "It's fine for him to pull out a pen like this! But -- but--"

"Ah, yeah, maybe it shouldn't be something we'd use so much in public." Anko scratched her head and stared at the ceiling. "I got it. _Lip gloss_. We'll put them on the tube." She began to snicker, and made finger quotes in the air. "The only thing I need a man for is my chapped lips."

Shizune blushed and covered her eyes with both hands. "You're insane, Anko." _But, at the same time, _she admitted to herself, _you know you'd collect them. Naked shinobi lip gloss does have a certain appeal..._ "Fine," she conceded, at last, "but only if they're medicated and tinted."

"You just want a luscious light pink Kakashi one," Anko joked, poking Shizune in the shoulder.

"What?! I -- No! Not--! Never--!" Shizune continued to splutter, and Anko smirked.

"Of course not, dear," Anko consoled, leaning forward to touch her nose to Shizune's, "But, I can't see you saying no to some minty-cool Izumo."

Shizune slumped. "Why did you have to put that image in my _head_!? I have to see him every day!"

"The better question is whether I can put that image in your hand." Anko grinned triumphantly. "And I say, if Jiraiya can do it to us, we can do it to the guys. It'll be a true test of our skills, you know."

Shizune groaned into her hands. "Jiraiya wasn't trying to take _photos_. He just peeks on the hot tub. That's easy. This? We'll get _assassinated_. I don't think there's been an ANBU job over naked photos, yet, and I'd rather not become the first one."

"So, we just have to make it seem like a prize. Somehow get them to fight over getting naked for us. Shouldn't be too hard, for some of them -- I mean, Gai isn't exactly world renowned for his brains, and Kotetsu's ego is big enough for two people. But, shinobi are innately suspicious creatures." Anko screwed her features into a pseudo-serious look. "No worries, I have a plan."

As Anko leapt to the ground, Shizune called after her. "That's exactly what I _am_ worried about!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **_Naruto is not my toy, although sometimes I wish it was. Everyone you meet here belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, I just borrow them, occasionally._

**Title:** Lip Gloss Lads (part 2)  
**Fandom:** Naruto  
**Characters:** Genma, Kotetsu, Izumo, Shizune  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings:** Lots of slapping, inappropriate implications  
**Notes:** Nope, still haven't gotten to the good stuff. Just setting up... Still, the crack is cracky, here.  


* * *

  
A line stretched back from the sign that read: "Konoha's Sexiest Shinobi! Are you the one? All male Leaf Ninja between the ages of 18 and 60 are welcome to try!" Innumerable chuunin elbowed each other, arguing over which one of them would be the one, because surely, it wouldn't be 'one of those old guys'. One of the chuunin jerked a thumb at Genma, and promptly had it broken.

"I _am_ the sexiest shinobi in all of Konoha," Genma commented as the broken-thumbed chuunin glanced around for a medic, "or, at least, that's the story the notches on my bedpost tell."

Kotetsu poked Genma. "No, _Izumo_ is the sexiest shinobi. You're just the easiest."

Genma stuck out his tongue at his friend. "I like variety."

"I don't even know what I'm _doing_ here," Izumo protested. "This is ridiculous. I don't _care_. I'm here to prove you wrong, Ko. Not everyone in Konoha wants to sleep with me. And, besides that, all of Konoha has already slept with _him_." He pointed at Genma, unafraid of meeting the fate of the last chuunin.

"Well, not _all_ of Konoha, but it sure is a significant percentage." Genma looked smug.

"So, why isn't Raidou here?" Kotetsu asked.

Izumo slapped him. "His face, you ass. Besides which, have you ever seen Rai interested in sex? With anyone?"

Genma coughed and failed to look innocent. After a long and weighted pause, he spoke. "Rai's looking after Hayate. Swordsmen's day out or something. I hate to leave the kid alone, these days..." A dark look shadowed his eyes for a moment, and Izumo patted his arm, consolingly.

Kotetsu promptly changed the subject. "We're getting toward the front of the line! I guess that means old man Yamanaka didn't win by default, after all."

This time, Genma smacked him in the back of the head. "Don't call him old! Inoichi-senpai's not that much older than I am!"

Kotetsu grinned over his shoulder at Genma. "Old fart."

Genma shook his fist. "Git off mah lawn, you damn kids!"

The two burst out laughing, and Izumo tried to pretend he didn't know them. He looked up as they came to the head of the line, and saw the kunoichi who wold be checking them in.

"Shizune!?" Only Kotetsu's hand in the back of his collar kept Izumo from bolting.

"Good afternoon, Shizune. We're _both_ here for the competition, even if I do think he's going to take it," Kotetsu said, with a light blush. Even he was not immune to the idea that his sort-of boss was on the judging committee. And, by the look on her face, neither was Shizune.

"Great to see you two!" Shizune's face fell as she realised the implications of her words. "I mean, it's -- ah -- really bold to -- um..." She turned bright red and handed the clipboard to Kotetsu. "Just sign in on the next line."

Kotetsu handed the clipboard to Izumo. "You first. I'm not letting you run off to hide while I'm in there."

"Fine." Izumo snatched the clipboard, signed it, and stuck it back in Kotetsu's hands, before approaching the door. "I am doing this to prove you wrong," he said, again.

Some time later, the three met up again, to discuss the competition, and get some dinner.

"I like that we're getting copies of the photos," Genma remarked. "I want to see how I came out. Nobody's ever taken a photo of me like that, before..."

"So, which piece of clothing did you keep?" Kotetsu asked.

"To hell with clothing. I kept a weapon." Genma flicked the senbon between his teeth. "I'm guessing you kept your nose covered?"

"Yeah, nobody gets to see that." Kotetsu breathed a light laugh.

"What did you keep, Izumo?" Genma raised an eyebrow at the quiet chuunin.

"I..." Izumo sighed. "I kept my hitai-ate. Vanity won over sense. I wanted to keep my _underwear_, but when I reached up to take off the hitai-ate, I got static shocked by my hair. You _know_ what my hair looks like when it gets staticky."

Kotetsu giggled. "Shizune's never going to be able to look us in the eye again."

Genma cleared his throat. "You know that's not going to be a problem for Tsunade. And more than that, you're going to have to look at her, knowing she's probably seen the photos, because she's the Hokage, and nothing goes on without her eye on it."

The two chuunin stared at him, and then at each other. Izumo punched Kotetsu.

"This is your fault. Yours. I should have gone for tea with Rai. Or gone to the bath. Or gone anywhere that didn't involve the HOKAGE seeing NAKED PICTURES of me." Izumo buried his face in his hands for a long moment. "I'm trying to find a bright side to this situation."

"You're so sexy she _won't_ be able to look you in the eye?" Kotetsu suggested.

"She's probably seen Jiraiya naked. Let's be serious. We've seen how she deals with _him_. There is no way in hell she's going to be unable to look me in the eye. In fact, I think I might be comforted by the idea of her looking at my _eyes_ instead of the rest of me, in this context." Izumo shook his head. "I'm not going to kill you, Ko, but you are going to wish like hell I had."

Genma flinched at the statement, but Kotetsu just looked amused.

"I'm sure I can make it up to you, kitten." Kotetsu offered, smiling smoothly.

Izumo simply slapped him one more time, as the waiter arrived with their food.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Lip Gloss Lads (part 3)  
**Fandom:** Naruto  
**Characters:** Anko, Shizune  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Warnings:** None for this chapter!  
**Notes:** Cracky crack is crackier than ever. Now, we have some flavours! (And, yes, I'll take suggestions from any interested kunoichi, here!)

* * *

In the end, Anko had photos of just about all the shinobi she ever wanted to see (except Raidou), and several she'd sincerely hoped _not_ to. Now, they just needed to match the shinobi to the colours and flavours Shizune had mixed together. The more she thought on it, the less she wanted to know what Shizune had told Tsunade about where all the salve supplies were going, for the week.

But, still... there would be no orange-flavoured Raidou, and this, Anko would not abide. But, that was something to work on later. That would take some extra thinking and a whole lot of shochu.

"Shizune! If we do Izumo in mint, do we put Kotetsu in chocolate?"

"Chocolate? Oh, dear," Shizune looked down the list of flavours. "I'm not sure we have a chocolate. But, I know Genma gets melon, because otherwise he'll kill us in our sleep."

"Oh, really?" Anko's eyebrows shot up. "Did you, now? With _him_? Lucky girl!"

"Shut up!" Shizune groaned. "It was a long time ago! But, yes. Melon. Or, we're going to die horribly."

"Does Ibiki get peach, or are we saving that for Iruka?" Anko held up two photos.

"Iruka's getting strawberry, I thought. And then, Kakashi gets kiwi." Shizune made some more notes. "But, Ibiki in peach? Are you sure?"

"Girls who like slabs of scars tend to go for the understated flavours, I've noticed." Anko grinned. "Actually, I got a couple of crazy ANBU girls drunk and asked them what they thought."

"Never mind Genma, we're going to die, anyway." Shizune shook her head and kept writing.

"Who gets plum? 'Cause it ain't Inoichi. I think he's unquestionably vanilla." Anko held up a photo of Inoichi wearing nothing but a white lily in his hair.

"Oh, definitely. But, plum..." Shizune leaned over the table to sort through the photos. "You know, I'd say Hayate, but he's not here."

Anko sputtered and gaped. "Hayate? _Hayate!?_ Are you... but... but... skin and bones!"

"You wanted Raidou, so I don't want to hear it." Shizune looked slightly smug.

"That's _different!_" Anko protested, vehemently. "And I'll _get_ Raidou. You don't stand a chance."

Shizune smiled, mysteriously. "We'll see."

The following week, the first five Lip Gloss Lads were released -- Chocolate Kotetsu, Minty Izumo, Strawberry Iruka, Kiwi Kakashi, and Melon Genma. Kunoichi throughout Konoha surreptitiously picked them up in the few shops that offered them -- shops that no man in his right mind would ever set foot in. Izumo was far more popular than _he'd_ ever have anticipated, but Genma gave good competition. Of the first five, though, Iruka swiftly shot into the lead. Anko attributed it to his blush and the Birth of Venus pose. He'd kept his gloves, and they were a perfect highlight to his graceful modesty.

But, still, Anko had no photos of Raidou, nor did Shizune have them of Hayate.


End file.
